Three Men and a Baby Atlantis Style
by rasah
Summary: Who thought John and Rodney would make good babysitters? Contains mild SLASH References JohnRodney Thanks to the lovely goddess47 for Beta duties.


The day started out pretty much the same as any other.

There are Teams out on missions, there are experiments (and other science type things) going on in the labs, Ronon is training the Marines in hand-to-hand (well, Ronon is beating the Hell out of the Marines), and Elizabeth is working on a Treaty with an agrarian society that they'd made successful first contact with.

John and Rodney though, have the day off, which would have been great, wonderful, an opportunity to spend some quality time together, except the universe is a funny place and, at times, has a rather unfortunate sense of humor.

John isn't really sure just why there's a _baby_ in the city in the first place. Well, that's not true. She is the child of one of the visiting diplomats and had taken a shine to Rodney (as children tend to do) when they had first visited the planet. So when the delegates arrived, baby in tow, it was decided (and when John finds out by whom, he is going to kill them…slowly), that John and Rodney would be the perfect babysitters for the duration of the talks.

John wondered if perhaps he'd stumbled into an Alternate Reality where logic didn't exist. I mean, why ask an Air Force Officer who's never had children, and _Rodney_, to baby-sit a two month old? John suspects this might be payback for that harmless little joke he'd played on Elizabeth, he thought she was overacting a bit, it's not like she hadn't been able to get the pink out of her hair _eventually_!

So here they are, John, Rodney and a baby who, on the last occasion they'd spent time with her, had been cute, adorable, biddable, sweet. The kind of baby that no-one would think really exists. For good reason. They don't.

Young Varina had been quiet when she was dropped off at Rodney's quarters. For about five minutes. And then it had started…slowly at first, as though she wasn't quite sure if she really wanted to cry at all…but she didn't take too long to make up her mind and things had gone to all Hell since then.

Rodney called in re-enforcements, namely Radek (presumably in retaliation for something, although John isn't sure what), who came into Rodney's room as though he were entering a pit full of snakes. Rodney assured John that Radek, for all his complaining, had actually spent a great deal of time looking after his sister's child and so would, of course, know what to do.

There's that logic vacuum again.

"No! No, no, no, I am not babysitter, I have important work to do…"

"No you don't. I'm your boss, you can't fool me!"

"You are NOT my boss."

"Boys, boys, can you argue about this later? She's still crying!" John is getting a little worried now, they've tried walking around with her, feeding her, singing to her (although John is prepared to acknowledge that that may, in fact, have made her worse…). Maybe there is something really wrong with her? He's about to suggest taking her to the infirmary when Rodney and Radek's arguing registers again.

"What's going on? Are you two _drawing straws_?"

"Yup." Rodney made it sound as though it were the best idea ever. "We need two people to stay, one person alone with this _thing_ might not make it out alive, so we're drawing straws."

"Er, and what about me?"

"This is all your fault, so of course you have to stay." If Rodney thought he was getting laid again, _ever,_ he had a nasty surprise coming.

"No. You're both staying, and that's final."

"What? What did _I_ do? I wasn't even supposed to _be_ here!" Radek had a good point, but John is mad now, and how the hell is something _that small_ capable of being _that loud_? It's not just the volume, there's something in the tone that makes John feel sorry for her and want to lock her in a cupboard all at the same time (he'd never do it of course, but he's pretty sure he's going to hell just for thinking it).

She can't talk yet, is too young to even know what anger _is_, and yet, somehow, the sound she's making right now sounds really, very, angry. She's kind of reminding John of every Drill Instructor he's ever had. He's pretty sure she's going to burst a lung any minute.

The current plan of leaving her in the crib and hoping she'll cry herself to sleep is clearly a bust, so John decides to take one for the team and pick her up….

OK, so apparently she doesn't really like that either. The crying hasn't stopped and now there's _wriggling_, as if she's trying to escape. Well, OK, she doesn't want to be in the crib and she doesn't want to be held, what other options are there?

They'd tried feeding her not long ago and she'd gotten really mad so they'd given up, perhaps determination is what's needed here….

"Rodney. Get the bottle. I'm going in."

"Are you _mad_? She didn't take too well to that before. That's the _definition_ of insanity you know, what makes you think it'll be different this time?"

"I'm not sure Rodney, but I don't think Einstein was talking about babies. Just give me the bottle, she's got to get hungry eventually right? I mean, she hasn't eaten anything since she got here and it's been, like, three weeks..." It's possible the crying is starting to get to him.

"OK. Fine. But you do it this time, she spat up all over me when I tried. I may need therapy."

"Fine! Just give me the damn bottle will you?" He didn't really mean to raise his voice so much, but the kid is going for some sort of decibel record now. How the hell is she _doing that_? John's lungs have got to be a lot bigger than hers and he's pretty sure _he _couldn't make that much noise.

As she takes the bottle, three grown men hold their breath…and for a blissful minute or so she's quiet. John had forgotten what silence sounded like.

It doesn't last, of course, the universe hates them too much for that. This time though, she sounds really upset, and she's making a face at John as though he's the source of all evil, as though all of this is _his _fault somehow. What did he do to deserve _that_?

OK. So. Not hungry. Not tired. Doesn't want to be bounced around (learned that one the hard way, who knew a stomach as small as hers could hold so much?). So what does she want?

There is of course one thing they haven't tried yet. It's lurking in the room like a great big diaper-shaped elephant.

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"Maybe we should, you know, check her diaper?" He tries not to sound too disgusted by that idea. Of all the things he'd thought he'd be doing today… Not even close.

Rodney and Radek have identical looks on their faces, disgust and horror at the very idea. Well _he's_ sure as Hell not doing it.

"Radek?" Please, please, please say yes….

"No. Absolutely not. No, no, no." John looks to Rodney hopefully….

"Hell no. Not gonna happen. What the Hell do _I_ know about changing diapers?"

"Silly me, I thought you were a genius Rodney, I thought maybe you'd be able to figure out something that fourteen year old girls have been doing for centuries."

"Er, hello…Astrophysicist, not professional babysitter. I'm not doing it, you're the Ranking Officer here, you do it."

"I'm the _only _officer here Rodney, and you are _so_ sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Whatever You think I'd sleep with you after you change that thing's diaper anyway? Who knows what kind of germs she's got."

Rodney really needs to stop referring to Varina as a thing, John might not be particularly fond of her right now, but still….

"So." Uh oh, Rodney's doing that thing where he rubs his hands together, he's about to suggest something John's not going to like….

"What say I pop out and get us all some lunch, eh?" He actually has the temerity to be smiling, as though trying to escape and leave his fallen comrades behind is OK! Radek, the traitor, jumps on the bandwagon.

"Yes, yes, excellent idea. Although, can you carry meals for three on your own? Perhaps I should come and help?"

Hell no. There's no way he's staying here alone with her! Plus, didn't Rodney just point out that there should be two of them at all times?

"I don't think so. Radek, you go and get food, Rodney and I will deal with the diaper." He's gotten pretty good at that tone over the years. The one that brooks no argument. The one that must be obeyed under pain of death. The one that has Marines, Airmen and, a couple of times, even Ronon, doing as they're told without argument.

Rodney, of course, would sooner stop breathing than stop arguing. So John cuts him off at the pass.

"_Rodney_…stay here?" This is the tone he never uses on Marines or Airmen (and certainly not Ronon), it's the one that Rodney has never been able to resist. Especially when accompanied by 'the look' (Rodney refers to it as his 'puppy eyes' look. John doesn't care what it's called, so long as it works).

John is still walking around the room bouncing Varina (_very _gently), making the ridiculous 'shushing' noise that he'd always sworn he'd never make, praying to a God he doesn't really believe in (and believes in even less now) that this baby will just please, please, STOP.

No wonder women have an inbuilt ability to multi-task. How do you deal with a crying baby while simultaneously arguing with the low down dirty dog of a man who's trying to run off and leave you to it?

Right, that's it. He can't take anymore.

"Here. I give up, she clearly _hates _me."

He hands the baby to Rodney, giving him as little choice as possible. Even Rodney won't just let her fall to the floor by refusing to take hold of her.

"OH MY GOD! Please, John! No. I can't, she hates me too! What do I do with her? I'll drop her, I'll drop her on her head, and then that idiot woman who brought her baby to a bloody _military base_ will hate me too! It'll be the end of the talks, and what if her Father's some kind of Royalty or something, they'll want revenge, it'll start a War! And of course you'll go off on some fool errand trying to save everyone, and you'll be killed and what am I supposed to do then? I don't want to be here without you! And what about Ronon? He looks up to you, what's _he _supposed to do? Except, actually, he'll probably be dead too, bloody fool'll probably be in the first wave…."

By the time he stops for breath John has remembered just why he loves this guy so much. How did he get from holding a baby to everyone's _dead_ thatquickly?

So. They'd been stalling there's no denying it. It's diaper time.

"Rodney, where's the bag? She came with a bag didn't she? Oh wait, here it is. Let's see…." Rooting around the bag, John finds what he needs, or rather, what he thinks he needs, he's never actually _done _this before.

"Right. Diaper, check. Wipey things, check. Lotion, I think, check. What else do we need?"

"How many times do I have to remind you?" Rodney gets one hand free to point at himself "Astrophysicist. How the bloody hell would I know what you need? Unless, there aren't any Gas Masks in there are there?"

John decides not to dignify that with an answer. It's not like he's any happier about this than Rodney, for God's sake.

As it turns out, changing a diaper isn't as horrific as he'd feared. Oh sure, it isn't something he'll ever do again, even with a gun pointed at his head, but nothing explodes, she doesn't feel the need to urinate all over him (he's heard stories), and she even cries a little less loudly throughout (still loud, just not _as _loud).

Now that she's dry again she seems less angry. Although she's still crying, and now there are actual, honest-to-God, _tears_ and John feels a little bad for her. For about two minutes.

Rodney's had enough now and has actually started trying to _reason _with her…

"Come on kid, whatever it is can't really be that bad! You're two months old, how tragic could your life possibly be? Seriously, what the hell are you crying for? You know, it'd really save a lot of time and our sanity if you'd just _tell _us what you want…" He pauses, almost as if he really expects her to answer.

"Well, I give up, she's clearly insane." He sits down and sags into the couch, John hasn't seen him this worn out since the siege, something he tries not to think about too often.

Radek finally returns with food. They eat in shifts, barely even tasting the food, what with the whole most-stressful-situation-_ever_ that's going on around them.

John's spent time around war zones, been alone in a Jumper with a nuke about to go off, sat in a prison cell waiting for the Wraith next door to feed on him again, watched Rodney slowly dying because of some stupid Ancient Ascension Machine…he's lived through a life threatening situation a week for almost three years. But he's never been this afraid of something so _small_.

She's crying (comparatively) quietly in her crib now, so the three of them are sitting on the couch on tenterhooks, waiting for the next explosion.

They don't have to wait long. Apparently she's got her second wind now.

Just as John's wondering how hard he'd have to hit himself in the head to make himself deaf, the door opens and Ronon walks in.

"What's wrong with her?" Succinct as always.

Three heads turn towards the door and they each give him what they hope are _really evil _looks, but they're all too exhausted to back it up with words.

So he walks over to the crib and looks down at the now back to screaming baby.

"Come here little one…." He's picking her up! Is he insane?

"Poor thing, what's wrong, hey? There, there, hush now."

The Universe is a funny place. Just when you think things might start making sense it goes and throws you a curve ball.

The friend you've admired from afar but always assumed was straight, corners you in a storage closet one day; the Wraith who'd fed upon you to the point of no return, gives you back your life in thanks for helping him escape, a test run of the Gate Bridge results in you losing the whole damn city (although thankfully not for long) ….

Ronon, Runner, warrior, the most serious and manly of men you could ever expect to meet, picks up the baby from Hell. Who immediately stops crying. She looks up at him as if he's the most wondrous thing she's ever seen.

She even _smiles_ at him!

And just like that, it's all over. Varina falls asleep between one breath and the next, Ronon places her carefully in her crib, gently touches the end of his finger to the tip of her nose and says in a tone of voice that John hadn't thought him capable of….

"Goodnight, little one."

John hates him just a little bit.

The End


End file.
